October 3, 1986, Blue Springs, Missouri – Marcus O’Mally, otherwise known as “The Totter Trotter”, struck again at the local school playground. His unwitting victim? Little Michael Laudie, a newcomer onto the playground scene. Adolescent eyewitnesses, who had already taken turns being conned by the Totter Trot, anxiously stood by watching as little Michael climbed aboard the teeter-totter opposite The Trotter. Michael pushed high, The Trotter went low. The Trotter held low for a moment before his infamous Trot. Michael came crashing down on that wooden seat and the iron bar underneath. As the other children snickered, Michael rubbed his bruised tailbone and ran off in shame. The Trotter has yet to be brought into custody where it is anticipated that he will repay his debt to the kindergarten society.
November 3, 1987, Olathe, Kansas – After 10 minutes of wrongful incarceration along “The Wall” during 2nd recess, Michael Laudie, 1st grade, Mrs. Young’s class, tearfully asserted once more his innocence in the incident at the spiral slide. Miss Wilhelm, the head of the Black Bob playground police, provided the following statement: “We are deeply troubled by today’s misunderstanding at the slide. We pride ourselves with our impartial execution of justice in maintaining peace and order during recess. Our attendant on duty witnessed a skirmish on the slide stairs, approximately 10 steps up. To her, it appeared that Michael, in an attempt to cut in line, was elbowing past Andrew Chipman. A whistle was blown, the punishment was carried out, and Michael, a first-time offender, was sentenced to spend the duration of recess at The Wall. The boy was mortified with shame and refused to speak with anyone about the incident. A classmate, who wishes to remain anonymous, blew the whistle on the other boy, who as it turns out had been the one guilty of the line-cutting. Incidentally, Andrew had scaled the outer side of the staircase, passing 3 other protesting children, including the eventual whistleblower, and hopped over the railing in front of the wrongly accused boy, who attempted to defend his position in line with an elbow or two. Though we are upset about today’s wrongful incarceration, we will continue to prosecute playground misconduct and uphold a standard of order fitting of our recreational facilities.” Independent reporters have confirmed that Michael and Andrew were friends prior to the slide squabble. Eyewitnesses report seeing Michael tearfully remove a friendship bracelet from his wrist as he returned to the classroom following recess.
February 15, 1989, Olathe, Kansas – Ms. Higgins, 3rd grade, filed an inquiry today with the Briarwood administration regarding a lunchroom incident involving two of her students, including Michael, who reportedly failed to observe the mandatory quiet time after eating lunch, prior to lining up for recess. Excessive lunchtime rowdiness and other infractions such as this, when the lunchroom lights are dimmed and children are required to silently put their heads down on folded arms, are punished by sending the offender to the “Quiet Table” where the child will be isolated from all other students and inmates for both the remainder of lunch and the following recess break. The offender is required to return to the Quiet Table the following day to complete his or her sentence. Where there are several regulars at the Quiet Table, Michael was a first-time visitor who pulled up his jacket hood in shame so that none of his peers would recognize him. Ms. Higgins’ inquiry provided further details that were unnoticed by the lunchroom attendant on duty who had caught the boy frantically whispering to another boy sitting across from him. Higgins claims that the other boy, Jason Whistler, also one of her students, had goaded Michael out of silence by stealing his lunch box when the lights were dimmed and taunting Michael with the stolen goods. Michael purportedly demanded it back through upset whispers and was caught “red lipped” in the act. Higgens’ petition does not propose any punitive action against Whistler but requests relief for the shamed boy who, she feels, does not need to spend a second day at the Quiet Table. Her petition notes that these boys are close friends who associate with each other both in and out of the classroom, and she fears that this friendship may be damaged by today’s misunderstanding. She hopes that a reduced sentence might help to preserve the relationship. The principal, who will have the ultimate privilege of granting a stay of the sentence should the appeal fail, was unavailable for comment.
July 10, 2002, Provo, UT – An adult, male truck driver, age 42, who was driving south on University Avenue near Lavell Edwards Stadium…
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Actually, we better stop now before I share too many of these experiences and lose my resolve to do what I’m about to do. My name is Laudie… As I said before, I carry a grudge. The stories you’ve just heard are true. And, though the names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent, I have not forgotten the real names of those individuals. And, until now, I’ve refused to let go of those names and the slighted feelings and grudges I’ve harbored against them for upwards of twenty-five years.
Though I’ve only shared three stories, I could have continued to finish a 4th, and a 5th, and probably many others. These cases are not “unsolved mysteries”, but rather are “unresolved mysteries”. For years, I’ve hung onto these memories. But today I find myself asking, why? If I were to run into one of these boys from my distant past tomorrow, what would I say? I have not thought on these memories every day since thy occurred, but I’ve thought on them enough to remember names, places, and other details. I’ve used these memories to illustrate, though in jest, my long memory and my begrudging vindictiveness to others when reminiscing about the past. But, again I ask myself, why? If these mysteries are “unresolved”, what resolution do I hope for? Though I bear a few small emotional scars, no lasting damage was done. The shame I felt was not lasting. Those experiences did not define or shape me for the worse. So why hang on?
I’d like to believe that I’m not the only man in history who has ever held onto a petty grudge or felt victimized when no heart-felt offense was truly intended. In fact, I have it on pretty good scriptural authority that I’m not the only one. That is, unless the Lord saw fit to inspire countless verses of holy writ related to the doctrine of forgiveness solely for my benefit. I guess I’m also pretty good at teaching the principle of forgiveness to others by giving plenty of cause for it, so perhaps these scriptures were inspired primarily thanks to me after all.
In our dispensation, Christ gave us a glimpse into the sufferings he endured for us as a part of His atoning sacrifice, “…how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, how hard to bear you know not. For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent. But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I; which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit – and would that I might not drink the bitter cup…” During his mortal ministry, Christ gave a powerful sermon from a mount where he taught, “Blessed are the merciful for they shall obtain mercy.” In that same sermon, Christ provided an example of prayer with the following, “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.”
Can you see the pattern in these three gems? In effect, Christ is teaching us the Law of the Harvest as it applies to His Atonement. We sow what we reap… or we grow what we plant. Plant an apple seed and grow an apple tree. Sow lettuce plants and reap salad. Show mercy and be shown mercy. Forgive others and be forgiven of God. Repent of your sins and have them removed… or don’t repent and suffer as Christ suffered.
The principle is simple. You might say it’s “golden”. Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you… or more importantly: do unto others as you’d have Christ do unto you. Now contrast that with Christ’s parable of a servant who was forgiven his debt of 10,000 talents but turned around and had another man thrown into debtors’ prison for failing to repay a loan of 100 pence to this forgiven debtor. Now I don’t know the monetary relationship between one talent and one pence, but whether the two sums might relate as $10,000 to $1 or $10,000 to $100, the hypocrisy remains and Christ’s teaching is clear. If we wish to be forgiven, we must be willing to forgive others.
Now this parable implies a conditional relationship between our willingness to forgive others and Christ’s promise to forgive us. However, Christ made our obligation with respect to forgiving others a little more clear in both ancient scripture and modern revelation. In response to Peter’s question Christ replied that we should forgive our brothers till seventy times seven times. In another one of my Sermons of the Heart, I explored scriptural symbols including numbers and found that the number seven represented perfection or completeness. So Christ’s answer implies that we must completely forgive our brothers their trespasses against us each and every time we find ourselves the victim of injustice or any other form of sin. To this end, Christ directed through the prophet Joseph Smith, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” In other words, the conditional aspect of forgiveness remains with Christ in regards to our trespasses against Him. We, however, are commanded and required to forgive all men.
I’ll be honest. There are times where that just doesn’t seem fair. Shouldn’t I be able to take some time before being willing to forgive someone who has greatly wronged me? Even more so than the playground and lunchroom bullies of my past? Eventually I will need to become more like Christ and forgive all men their trespasses against me, but that should be between them and me, right? And shouldn’t they have to earn my forgiveness rather than have it freely given without any merit because of Christ’s command to me?
According to Christ? No. And according to many saints living today and in the past who are much more Christ like than me? No. Take for example a humble and devout group of Amish men and women whose community was ravaged by a violent unprovoked shooting of 10 schoolgirls. The gunman, a quiet milkman who had suddenly lost all reason and control, took his own life in the act. Rather than harboring bitterness toward God or toward the man who had violated their peaceful lives, these humble men and women rallied to the family of the milkman. Not only did this people extend their sympathy, their forgiveness, their help, and their love to this family, but over half of the mourners at the shooter’s funeral were Amish and the milkman’s family in turn was invited to the funeral services of the victimized girls. One of the Amish mourners said, “We were all speaking the same language, and not just English, but a language of caring, a language of community, [and] a language of service. And, yes, a language of forgiveness.” The family of the milkman, in response, said the following, "To our Amish friends, neighbors, and local community: Our family wants each of you to know that we are overwhelmed by the forgiveness, grace, and mercy that you've extended to us. Your love for our family has helped to provide the healing we so desperately need. The prayers, flowers, cards, and gifts you've given have touched our hearts in a way no words can describe. Your compassion has reached beyond our family, beyond our community, and is changing our world, and for this we sincerely thank you.”
Take for another example a 44-year old woman who was more interested in salvaging the life of her 19-year-old assailant than in seeking revenge. This young aggressor, along with his buddies, had stolen a credit card for entertainment one evening, purchased a frozen turkey, and thrown the 20-pound fowl from a speeding car into the windshield of an oncoming car. The victim underwent hours of surgery to reconstruct her face and still faced years of ongoing therapy before fully recovering from the senseless act. The woman’s response? She pestered prosecutors for information about the boy and his background. She insisted that the boy be offered a plea deal, turning a probable 25 year prison sentence into 6 months and several years probation allowing the boy the prospect of a real and reformed future. In the courtroom, tears and a heartfelt hug were exchanged between the victim and the accused. The woman was heard to say, “It’s OK. I just want you to make your life the best it can be.”
What is the power of forgiveness in the lives of those that stand accused? And what is the power of forgiveness in the life of him who would accuse? I recently heard that forgiveness is choosing to not hold something against someone to their detriment. In other words, forgiveness enables the victim to let go of any feelings of bitterness or need for vengeance. This does not mean that justice is not sought. Justice is a necessary eternal principle, as is mercy. The victim, however, chooses to leave the question of justice or mercy in the hands of the judge. Our Eternal Judge will forgive whom He will forgive. We are simply asked to forgive and leave the eternal forgiving to Him. And what freedom can we, as a forgiver, feel when we unload our backpacks of those heavy rocks, those grudges and bitter feelings? What freedom can we, as one forgiven, feel when Christ unloads our backpacks of those sins and misdeeds that require His loving forgiveness?
I believe that there are those who would follow Christ’s counsel and injunction regarding forgiveness who often confuse forgiveness and trust. Forgiving another is not the same as restoring trust in another.
Take a simple scenario for example: A neighbor is asked to babysit my child. The neighbor is distracted by a television program. My son wanders off and gets lost outside. The neighborhood searches for my boy for some time before finding him. My wife is shaken up by the whole incident. I choose not to press charges or file a report. I hug my neighbor and assure her that she is completely forgiven. I also choose to not employ her services as a babysitter anymore. She is confused. But you forgave me! Why won’t you let me babysit your child again?
The reason? This neighbor has not regained my trust. She does not have to earn my forgiveness. I chose to no longer harbor any bitterness or hostility toward her for her negligence. But I did not forget her negligence. I remember this and don’t trust her with my child. She may regain my trust in the future, but she will have to earn this. And my lack of trust in her does not make me any less Christ like.
In my case, I can choose to not get on the teeter-totter with the Trotter again. I can choose to sit by someone else at lunch who might not take my lunchbox. But I can still be friends with those boys by letting go of the bitterness, the need for retaliation or justice, and the feelings of victimization. The oft-used expression forgive and forget carries both truth and fallacy. In forgiving and letting go, we forget these feelings of bitterness. But we don’t have to forget the lessons learned that might enable us to create boundaries, protecting us and our families from future hurt until trust is restored. These boundaries should not be walls distancing ourselves from those we’ve “forgiven”. But healthy boundaries are those guidelines and standards we employ to allow us to maintain friendships and associations with those we’ve forgiven while creating an environment where trust can be fostered once more.
The Lord, however, will truly forget our trespasses against Him. We may need to regain His trust. But His perfect forgiveness carries the promise that “he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.” Where Christ may forget our misdeeds, we, for good cause, do not always forget them. We remember the pain we have caused Christ, those we’ve hurt, and our very own selves so that we can strive to not repeat our misdeeds.
But where forgiveness does not require forgetting, where forgiveness does not require future trust, forgiveness does require letting go, not holding anything against anyone to their detriment, and not dredging up past sins at some future point when being victimized again.
Forgiveness is a language of love. It is the language of Christ. Some argue that Mandarin Chinese, Finish, Navajo, Russian, and many others are among the most difficult languages of this world to learn. I learned to speak and write Estonian. And it was difficult. But the language of forgiveness is both the most difficult and the easiest to learn of all languages. I’m not close to being fluent. But they say the best way to learn a language is to open up your mouth and speak it.
And so, to Marcus, to Andrew, to Jason, and to many other name-changed, not-so-innocent brothers and sisters from my past with whom I carry grudges today, no matter how petty or small, I want to say that I’m ready to hand in my badge and retire from the force. I have learned from my past. I will continue to learn from my experiences, both positive and negative. But I will let go of grudges and be more forgiving, more like my elder brother. I love you. I hope the best for you both in this life and in the next. Just don’t ask me to sit on a teeter-totter with you unless you really want to ride.
My name is Laudie – I’m a son of God and a striving exemplar of my Savior. I no longer carry a grudge.
